|Number of times I've seen "Ratatouille": 65|
Props to those who can correctly guess where I got the title/quote of this journal entry from....
Well, life has been... going... well? Eheh. It's been a roller coaster of a ride, that's for certain. The past few days have not been fun at all. Life in general has been difficult in more ways than one, and everyone in my family is fighting numerous battles, both personal and otherwise.
One piece of good news is that I finally got a job after a year and a half of searching and applying for positions, thank God. I've been at it for almost two months now, and am still learning the ropes. It's a hectic job, but I do like it. The only thing I don't like is... socializing with my fellow workers. That's something I've always had trouble with, for I've been a very quiet, rather introverted, and somewhat secluded person since my youth, and it's proved difficult to make friends in the real world, much less talk to people with ease, wit, and character like so many around me seem to do. I feel alone, pitiful, and unwanted in this big world of extroverts. I've always felt like this, but yesterday really hurt. Seeing a new person hired along with me converse so effortlessly with others like it was nothing was puzzling to me. Then again, I have been secluded, and the simple matter of the situation is that I just do not know what to say to my peers, much less "how" to say it. In this world, people are extremely judgmental; at least, they can be. This adds a level of pressure to myself, and to everyone, I suppose, for I feel like I have to prove myself "worthy" enough to be included: funny enough; witty enough; cool enough.... And I'm just not. I'm one of those people where, when I walk into a room of people conversing, the place either goes quiet and they look at me like I'm some sort of an alien, or they don't acknowledge that I'm even there. True, everyone has their own friends, and one first has to prove themselves to be friendly and sociable in order to "fit in", but while I'm courteous to others, I'm not that sociable, and I'm uncomfortable trying to be around people that make me... uncomfortable.
My mom says that I should embrace who I am -- like my introverted self. Friends of mine say that I need to step outside of my comfort zone and converse with others even if I don't want to. I disagree with both to some extent. First of all, I've never liked myself. Ever. At least, not entirely. There are certain things about myself I like, but the negatives outweigh the positives in my mind. Secondly, why should I try to get in the "groupy" circle of those whom I honestly wouldn't be comfortable spending time with? "Then why do you want them to recognize you in the first place, Mitch?" you ask? I think I just... want to know that people care about me and won't judge me so harshly. I want to be assured that they're fine with me being introverted and not blabbing my mouth off talking about this and that like everyone else does. Undoubtedly, I'm worrying too much about this. They may not give a rat's arse how I act. But I do care, and it hurts to see people treat me the same way from the time I was little to now. It's been the same situation everywhere, and I'm tired of it. And it's not like anyone has been flat out mean to me, because they haven't. It's just... that feeling of never being included.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm lonely. I want to know that people out there in the real world care about me -- really, actually care about me and want me around and don't mind my medical symptoms. There are people like that online. 98% of my friends are online, and the ones I'm closest to live in the middle of, or the other side of, the country, literally. Save for my sister, I've only ever had two friends in the real world -- one lives in Japan now, and the other is often busy with school and work. Also, I don't have a car and my funds are low, so getting around in general is difficult.
In all honesty, I'm not enjoying life right now, and I haven't truly enjoyed life in a very, very long time. But I keep fighting on anyway, because I have to reach that light at the end of the tunnel sometime....
My Zazzle shop:
That's all, folks!!